Imposter syndrome

noun

noun: imposter syndrome

• the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.

  "people suffering from impostor syndrome may be at increased risk of anxiety"

Your inner voice is kind of a bitch.

It’s always bitching and whining - at you, about you, about other people. It's like toting around a tiny toddler with an overdeveloped vocabulary and a serious drinking problem, am I right? (Just me?)

Mine used to prattle on at me all day - you're not thin enough, you're not smart enough, no-one likes you, you'll never be good enough, who do you think you are to do this.

All. Day. Long.

The negative inner voice is at the heart of imposter syndrome, of never feeling good enough to do what you do and waiting for the day you get ‘caught out’ (even though you’re perfectly qualified and experienced to do what you do and you do it brilliantly!)

My imposter syndrome used to manifest in so many different behaviours that left me exhausted, struggling and overwhelmed (which ironically enough only reinforced the negative voice’s hold on me, by being perpetually stuck in this fear and negativity spiral).

I would work longer and longer hours, trying to ensure everything was perfect.
People used to laugh as I raced across the office to rip open the envelopes on my outgoing post and check them one last time, as I heard the collection cart come round.
I would check, double check and triple check my emails, writing them over and over trying to get it right.

I was constantly jealous and protective of my work, for fear that someone would ‘find out’ I was doing things wrong. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong of course, but I was sure it must have been something…

It’s no way to live and you deserve better.

The irony of course was that the longer hours I worked, the more tired I was and therefore more beaten down, negative and more likely to make a mistake.